How do I say it....?

I am going to stand by what I said in my previous post & I will not comment on everything that is going on in Ethiopia.... but I will comment on how KC & I are dealing with it.

It's tough. I'm not gonna lie. It's really tough and it's extremely annoying. It bothers me that there is something going on that I either can't fix or that I don't know someone who might know someone who can't fix it either - - - - I don't like this feeling at all. 

I've been struggling lately with what to say. How to put across in words these emotions that I am having. For you who are adopting or have adopted, you get it - for those who aren't and haven't, I don't think you understand fully. 

KC & I were talking to some good friends of ours, Christen and Raleigh, on the car ride home from a Hillsong concert last week and it was explained pretty clearly then. They have the most adorable twins. They were born premature and had to stay in the NICU for quite a while. Thank God everything is going wonderful now, but at that moment, no one could feel what they were feeling, or could even relate, unless you had been through it yourself. It made me realize how lucky we were that Olivia was born full term and healthy. But as we talked about all of this, they admitted how they can't fully relate to how we are feeling, just like we couldn't relate fully to them.

The reason I told you that is to say it's difficult to explain exactly how someone feels in this situation. I called my mom to talk to her about it and the emotional roller coaster seems to kick into high gear - just like with almost everyone else. I get the answer "everything happens in God's time." Which I understand, but being human, is it bad that I think, "I am tired of that! I don't want to hear that anymore!!! I want things to change and I want to be able to go get Zoe Grace right now!" Then when I do think that, I feel very convicted, because who am I to push God? What do I think I can do about God's time line? Then the sadness sets in. That feeling of hopelessness, that it is all out of your hands. I know that you are to give it ALL over to God - but it is so hard not to worry and stress over it. Then the frustration sets in, because you sometimes just feel like you are beating your head into a wall. It seems like you are making the same movements over and over and over again, waiting for a different result. Actually, I think Albert Einstein defined that as insanity. I'm sure some of you might finish reading this and tell me that I need to see a therapist because of my emotional instability, but it's just SO frustrating. And I know that there are others out there who feel the same way, and I want to say how grateful I am to all of the other parents who I have become friends with. 

Well tonight I was doing a little studying and a song that I've heard a million times came on Pandora and it really hit me. So I thought I would share it with everyone. I'm sure many of you have heard it and know the words, like me, but tonight I really listened to the words instead of just singing along. 


Mercy Me - Word of God Speak

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

[CHORUS]
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness 
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

[REPEAT CHORUS 2x]

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay.





Some may say that it is just a coincidence, I on the other hand believe that moments like that are reminders from God. Maybe it's the part of me that holds on to the fact that God will not forsaken us, that he wants to see us happy and praising him.... 

So please continue to believe and pray that everything will happen as it is suppose to on God's time line, but that it is somewhere towards the top of the list. 

Until the next time. 

j.w. godwin